As many know, My Husband Mark died this year. His death was very sudden. It is an understatement to say that this day marked the worst and most painful day of my Life. Through all of this- I have never once blamed God nor has my Faith in the power of My God EVER been broken. I continue to believe that My God is good and a God that does supernatural miracles daily.
Mark’s death created a pain in my Heart that is so vast and deep. I find relief by resting at my Heavenly Father’s feet and clinging to His mercy & love. Last night at the Kim Walker-Smith worship session, Holy Spirit brought me a revelation to help heal my heart. I didn’t know much about Kim Walker-Smith before last night (she’s awesome by the way!). I went to the session in faith and trust in my Lord knowing that he was directing my path. I knew something would happen but would never be able to guess it on my own. The main revelation from last night to me (there were many) was the revelation of my anger. It may seem obvious to many that, of course, I would be angry in the midst of death. I mean anger is even one of the stages of the grieving process – right? Well anger is not obvious to me. Of course, I did not want Mark to die. I wanted him to live. In fact, when the doctor announced that my husband was dead- I prayed that My God would bring him back! Yes, I prayed that My God would resurrect my husband and bring him back to me and back to his children. I KNEW my God was in that hospital room that day and I KNEW He heard my plea of LIFE! BUT God did NOT bring Mark back to life and back to me. God did not say yes to my plea. He’s God. He can do whatever he wants to do. So I accepted it and chose to continue to love My God.
The thing is, what was hiding in the Abyss of the pain of my heart was anger. Anger at My God. This anger is very difficult for me to admit. The struggle comes from my deep love for My God. How can I be angry with God? He has been so good to me. He sacrificed his only son for me. He is responsible for my very existence and He is responsible for everything good in my life. So to be angry at him is just something I was not willing to face and accept. But I am. . . . Angry, that is. Last night – that is what Holy Spirit showed to me. That anger that I held in my heart against My God- My Loving Faithful God. I am angry with My Heavenly Father because he denied my prayer to bring Mark back to me. It saddens me to say it.
The amazing thing about all of this is that it’s okay. Holy Spirit showed me this anger so that I could be aware of it and so that I could ask for help. So that is exactly what I am doing. I invited Jesus into this abyss and to help me wrestle with this anger and all the emotions involved in losing my best friend, my partner, love-of-my- life and husband. The help and healing has already begun. The other amazing thing during this process is that there is no condemnation. My God is not angry at me for my anger. He understands and just wants to help me. He is also helping me with the anger and shame I hold against myself for being angry with God. Deep in the abyss Jesus is helping me release all the judgments I am holding against myself during this process. The anger isn’t completely gone but with Jesus’ help- I think it will be soon. God is Good.