As many know, My Husband Mark died this year. His death was very sudden. It is an understatement to say that this day marked the worst and most painful day of my Life. Through all of this- I have never once blamed God nor has my Faith in the power of My God EVER been broken. I continue to believe that My God is good and a God that does supernatural miracles daily.
Mark’s death created a pain in my Heart that is so vast and deep. I find relief by resting at my Heavenly Father’s feet and clinging to His mercy & love. Last night at the Kim Walker-Smith worship session, Holy Spirit brought me a revelation to help heal my heart. I didn’t know much about Kim Walker-Smith before last night (she’s awesome by the way!). I went to the session in faith and trust in my Lord knowing that he was directing my path. I knew something would happen but would never be able to guess it on my own. The main revelation from last night to me (there were many) was the revelation of my anger. It may seem obvious to many that, of course, I would be angry in the midst of death. I mean anger is even one of the stages of the grieving process – right? Well anger is not obvious to me. Of course, I did not want Mark to die. I wanted him to live. In fact, when the doctor announced that my husband was dead- I prayed that My God would bring him back! Yes, I prayed that My God would resurrect my husband and bring him back to me and back to his children. I KNEW my God was in that hospital room that day and I KNEW He heard my plea of LIFE! BUT God did NOT bring Mark back to life and back to me. God did not say yes to my plea. He’s God. He can do whatever he wants to do. So I accepted it and chose to continue to love My God.
The thing is, what was hiding in the Abyss of the pain of my heart was anger. Anger at My God. This anger is very difficult for me to admit. The struggle comes from my deep love for My God. How can I be angry with God? He has been so good to me. He sacrificed his only son for me. He is responsible for my very existence and He is responsible for everything good in my life. So to be angry at him is just something I was not willing to face and accept. But I am. . . . Angry, that is. Last night – that is what Holy Spirit showed to me. That anger that I held in my heart against My God- My Loving Faithful God. I am angry with My Heavenly Father because he denied my prayer to bring Mark back to me. It saddens me to say it.
The amazing thing about all of this is that it’s okay. Holy Spirit showed me this anger so that I could be aware of it and so that I could ask for help. So that is exactly what I am doing. I invited Jesus into this abyss and to help me wrestle with this anger and all the emotions involved in losing my best friend, my partner, love-of-my- life and husband. The help and healing has already begun. The other amazing thing during this process is that there is no condemnation. My God is not angry at me for my anger. He understands and just wants to help me. He is also helping me with the anger and shame I hold against myself for being angry with God. Deep in the abyss Jesus is helping me release all the judgments I am holding against myself during this process. The anger isn’t completely gone but with Jesus’ help- I think it will be soon. God is Good.
We’ve all heard of miracles. Many will describe them as those mystical events that happened thousands of years ago and recorded in the Bible. Some will describe them as the odd stories we hear once in a great while to describe a severe medical condition that suddenly went away and can not be explained by doctors as to why. Webster describes it as a surprising event that is not explicable by nature or scientific laws. All are correct. However, I would add to such descriptions. I would encourage us to press in to our inner soul and look around, be still, breath and take it all in. We are around miracles every day. Look at a child’s smile. The way her eyes glisten and curl down, a large grin and a laughter that shakes her entire body. Look at the kind gesture of a young boy that stops what he is doing in his playful moment and offers his toy to you to see if you’d like to play. Notice the stranger that is walking ahead of you through an entrance and stops for a moment to hold the door open for you. Look up and notice the Blue Magnificent Sky with gentle white clouds whirling and twisting in so many different shapes that you are certain to see things within them. Look at that spring flower so perfect in form, such a vibrant color, so beautiful that it certainly was not an accident in its creation. Yes Miracles still happen today. Many are subtle in form but even those supernatural miracles continue to occur. Just open your mind, your heart and have Faith – and let your Life be filled with the excitement of the supernatural, the magic of the miraculous, the possibility that anything can and will happen. What a wonderful Life it Truly is when Heaven comes to Earth.
Wow . . I started this blog in August 2013. Now it’s November 2014. It’s been quite a journey. I’ve taken a break but now I’m back. Pretty sure I’m suppose to be posting on a regular basis. So here it is again.
Over the year I’ve learned something HUGE! My largest revelation is The Father’s Love. My Father, Your Father- I’m talking about our Spiritual Father. I’ve known he was hearing and answering my prayers. I’ve known that he is so amazing and wonderful and anything is possible when you lean on him. What took me awhile to get . . I mean REALLY get . . is how much he loves me. He really LOVES ME! I’ve been a spiritual freelancer (yes- I just made that title up) all of my life until this past year. When I began to focus in on the word of God and soak up all the information I could get my hands on God’s Love- I started receiving the idea that maybe HE Really DOES Love ME. The depth of our Father’s Love is so very deep. When I stop and think about how he has never given up on us, I am amazed. Certainly only our creator can have the patience and compassion to continually give us another chance after we mess up over and over and over again. Understanding what Jesus did for us really brought everything home for me. The fact that Jesus- a man without sin – walked this earth for the sole purpose of sacrificing his life for our sins – is just incredible. I studied this concept- this notion- why did he have to do this? I realize it was all in the covenant of God who never breaks his word. Well, as a lawyer, I understand contracts. To my amazement God takes them pretty seriously especially when it comes to the ones he makes with us. I’ll get more into this whole notion later- but what I really want to share is the fact that at first I just couldn’t get my head around why do I DESERVE unconditional Love from our Father. I mean who am I to have my prayers answered- who am I to deserve the attention of the creator of heaven and earth. Then I realized or maybe God just whispered to me in my thoughts- it’s not because of what I did but it’s because of WHO HE IS. He is the King of Kings- the MOST HIGH GOD! Well the King of Kings have children- one of those children is ME. Just like a daughter of a King- she is born and by virtue of her birth she IS ROYALTY. Well as a daughter of the King of Kings- that makes ME ROYALTY. WOW. What an absolute honor. So something so simple took so long for me to actually Get- to actually Receive. I’m Royalty! I’m My Father’s Daughter. Just as most parents can testify to- there’s nothing your child can do to really make you stop loving them. You may get mad – but STOP LOVING? Well, we are just humans- we are not the CREATOR- He Loves us Just as We Are- Right Now! Unconditionally. If a human parent can’t stop loving his/her child- why would we ever think our Heavenly Father would stop loving us? I am so delighted- excited-honored- grateful of My Father’s Love!! It’s the only thing that really matters. Praise God!
I want to be like a tree . . planted by the streams of living water. My roots will be deep and long and strong. I thrive from the living water of life . . . joy . . . love . . . happiness . . . . compassion . . . and patience. We ARE like trees if we stand and rely on God as our foundation, letting his word feed us like streams of living water. This world is not heaven. Because of this we must stay strong and continuously receive our Father’s living water of his word. Giving God continuous praise and in all our ways acknowledging him – he will direct our path. Our souls are hungry for his love. Our God is always more than enough.
Approaching a tree and placing my hand on its trunk is an amazing feeling. The very second my palm rests upon the majestic trunk, I feel the strength of the tree within me. A tree that is large and has withstood the years of time, has survived strong winds and magnificent storms, still stands so tall and strong. I am amazed at its height, the firmness of its structure, it’s maze of thick branches. The trunk of the tree fills my soul with inner strength, so powerful, so real. LIKE THE STRENGTH OF A TREE . . . SO TO AM I.
Abundance to me is absolute happiness, financial wealth, a sense of completeness that fills my soul. Abundance is everlasting and is offered to us without limits or conditions. Asking for abundance fulfills our primary purpose on earth. All we need to have it is faith, belief and love. Love for God, love for others and most definitely love for ourselves.
Just think. If everything that comes our way flows off of us like water off a duck’s back, the peace we would have. Just as simple as a drop of water sliding off slick feathers so to could our problems. It’s in our perception. It’s in our faith. If we truly believe that we are so much more than our physical beings because we are a child of God, we could see and feel and believe that we are perfect just as we are. The struggles of our lives bring to us new adventures, new experiences, new lessons. Trusting in the Lord graces us with the peaceful bliss that we seek.
How to Pray? Good question – easy answer. There is no wrong way to pray. You pray from your heart. You can pray in silence. You can pray out loud. You can knell on your knees. You can cross your legs while sitting on the floor. You can just sit in a chair. You can bow your head and clasp your hands. You can look above and clasp your hands. You can close your eyes or leave your eyes open. A prayer is a message from your true self, your soul, your spirit, to the higher power that is above all of us. You know you are deep within a prayer when you can feel it deep within yourself. Maybe you cry . . . maybe you just feel peace . . maybe you just keep talking until there is nothing more to say. A prayer is something that is ALWAYS good. You are submitting yourself to something so powerful . . something so wonderful that loves you for YOU . . that is with you no matter who you are, what you’ve done or what you have. Allow yourself to listen to the answers to your prayers. Through prayer I have found peace. I have found happiness. I have found answers. I have found LOVE. I KNOW prayers are heard . . .they are powerful, magical, wonderful and they are most definitely Answered.
I marvel at the wisping clouds in the blue crisp sky as they slowly move over me. Although I stand there looking up at the sky alone, I know I am not truly alone. The Life above me proves otherwise. What is it that moves those clouds, makes those clouds, creates such beauty? While I focus on the clouds above me and continue to bring in the beautiful color of the sky, the white of the clouds and feel the energy of the Universe, I realize I am but a small piece of the Universe. The Universe so powerful and limitless. I know that with such power all around me that I too am more than I am. I am more than just a physical being. I am more than a family member, an employer, an employee, a citizen, a friend. I am part of the Universe and we are all connected with each other, with nature and with God. Being a part of something so wonderful brings me peace to know that I am never alone and am never weak. . . . . . . I AM . . . . . and that is truly something Great and also something astonishing . . . just as we ALL are . . .
There’s something about a willow tree that just stops me in my tracks. It is so majestic with so many long hanging branches. It’s leaves are gentle and soft. The willow tree sways with the wind as if to dance. It’s mass . . . so broad and wide. My soul stirs with comfort and peace. It’s as if my grandmother is holding her arms open to me and saying, “come to me child and let me hold and protect you.” Some cultures hold the willow tree as a spiritual symbol. Others describe it as a weeping. I just feel it’s amazing energy of protection and grace. Another sign that we have been blessed with beauty and that we all have the inner strength of a Willow Tree . . all connected . . all stable . . and never ending.